You try not doing the same thing day in and day out and not thinking "is this it? Or was I supposed to do something more?"
If you've watched the newest Star Trek movie, remember the scene when Captain Pike was talking to Kirk in the bar? When he says to him "are you content with being the only Genius level repeat-offender in the midwest? Or do you feel like you were meant for something greater?"
Well, that's kind of how I feel...well ok I'm not a repeat offender, at least I don't think so...
Perhaps ultimately that's all I seek and desire, is a change in life or a pathway to what I was destined to be. I am starting Audio Engineering school in October, but is that enough? What if is a dangerous question, but it has crossed my mind and messed up it's wiring. What if I don't find what I'm looking for after my 9 months is over? What then? It's a hard industry to break into. I want to be able to find a team of musicians and get a band together, but I really don't know how to go about that. Mind you one of the new seasonals at work, who works meat department, also plays guitar. So maybe...
Either way, I know I'm young and I will spin my wheels and flounder and nothing will get done, however I'd rather not do this too much. I'm almost 22 years old and I feel I have no major accomplishments in life, aside from spending 2 months in Europe. Even then I feel I didn't make the most out of the trip, as amazing as it was.
I feel as if I've spent too much time as a pissant doing the same thing, but it's a wise occupation to keep while I am in school. I started school doing a history major, switched to sociology, but then right afterwards, switched to Audio Engineering. I love music, so I wanted to be in a field where I could be close to the music industry, even if I'm not the one performing. I'd rather be performing, but there's complications with that too.
Breaking into the recording industry is just as hard as breaking in as an artist. You have to go long periods and shell out dedicated effort while bringing in little income and hope for a decent break. It's a lifestyle, not a job. One I would certainly like to be a part of, however I question whether or not I have what it takes. Am I ready for this? Who is ever ready to do what needs to be done? No one is born ready. You just have to take life by the horns. If you can't dodge it, ram it.
Just as the hero is forced to start his quest to defeat evil, evil is waiting for him, watching him. The hero is weak, but must develop and grow. Without growth he cannot face evil, and he must disccover himself and fight his own inner demons as well. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
While I have no idea what it is I have to do, that's just part of the discovery of life. Unfortunately my uncertainty has a habit of pissing people off, which really doesn't help me in the slightest and keeps making me feel I'm doing it wrong. A friend of mine was talking to me last night, and he is telling me that failure and success are relative designations. Success is short lived in the greater acquisition of power, the more you grow the more that you will fail and succeed. It's wonderful to be able to do something, but eventually you want to do it better. Every success renders the former success as a greater failure. I simply have a habit of punishing myself for failure, which adds to the anxiety and simply hurts me, nothing gets done. Rather than punishing myself, I need to look upon failure as learning and don't punish myself, but encourage. It's a tough habit to break, but keeping your eyes open and being extremely sensitive at all times is a healthy habit. In the end, failure becomes more important than success, because it's the other side to the coin. It's progress, and failure and success are like bitter rivals that are also lovers. Balance, trying to be better than the other, but cannot live without each other.
I need to be harder on myself, but in the right ways, enouraging myself to learn, not punishing myself for failing. It's a tough habit to break, considering I feel I've always been punished for failing. The world expects you to succeed the first time. But that's partly due to the society of instant gratification... And a whole other debate.