Sunday, September 25, 2011

Eternally simple in its complexity.

Brain Parliament is a funny decision making process sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if it's more complex than real parliament...

The odd part is, the ego, me, being the veto power (yes, with the nerve to veto parliament, I'm not about to cry and forcefeed myself twinkies anytime soon) ultimately feels that each decision made to this point was not of my own whim. I feel as if I have been living my life on someone else's wishes. Of course the fact that each decision you make will be influenced by something (TV, Parents, Videogames, Friends, Webcomics, Role Models, etc) aside, I feel that truly no decision I've made has come without suggestion or order from another. I feel I cannot truly think for myself and that I miss things when I do, important things, things that should not be forgotten. I need to forge my own path and to do that, it must be without doing what others suggest, and reaping the consequences of my actions be they good or bad. I feel that is the only way I am to gain life experience right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to do the opposite of what peopel tell me, because that's jsut spite and will also serve me nothing.

I've not accomplished much in life currently, mind you even Julius Caesar didn't accomplish much at this point in his life. At the age of 45 he had just received his first army, and when he looked upon a statue of Alexander he wept, because Alexander had obtained his army at the age of 20 and had conquered the known world by the age of 27. As of now, I've been accepted to three different schools, with this latest one being Audio Engineering, that decision was mine. I've toured Europe for two months, even then I feel I went to most of the places that my parents wanted me to go to (not that I didn't enjoy it), with only a couple of things I wanted to do. I've successfully held down a job, now going into my 5th year, which is good considering most my age can't do that. I've been playing guitar since I was 15 and, well, I don't consider myself that good, given that I feel basic things are lost on me. I recently discovered that when I concentrate hard enough on learning something new on guitar, I actually stop breathing for a bit, then start again faster and taking deeper breaths thus throwing off my heartbeat and any shred of internal rhythm I have, fucking up my actions. It's frustrating that I forget to do something basic when I'm trying to do something new. Added to that I have focusing issues due to having ADD. I'm not using ADD as an excuse, as far as I'm concerned it isn't and is not a barrier whatsoever, but I notice it in daily living and it frustrates me. I routinely have these issues of losing my train of thought halfway through, scrambling to try and think of soemthing to say and it coming out with wrong word or phrase, or stopping completely wondering where the fuck I was going. It happens all the time, and is frustrating as fuck because it makes me feel like a complete idiot. It hinders memory, I half the time have to ask and re-ask what people say to be sure of what I need to do or remember, which again makes me feel dumb because it's probably something so remotely simple a dog can understand it. I can't remember who tells me what half the time, nor do I remember what I've said to others, only that I know I've said it before. Explaining myself can be a challenge, because a lot of the time people will ask why I'm doing soemthing and I can have a perfectly logical thought patterns and know why I do it, but when asked I go blank, thus giving the impression I don't know what I do or do things without thinking. Half the time my only response is "because I was told to/taught to do it this way" meaning I DON'T THINK FOR MYSELF. Regardless of what goes on in my head, no one sees that and we observe based on what we see, not what we infer. Bottom life of this is, as said before, i feel I've not accomplished anything and my own brain parliament drags itself in multiple directions at once, ultimately being guided by an external source and living on another's wishes, instead of my own.

In life, you need to blaze your own trail, regardless of whare you end up. I simply want to look back on my life and, regardless of how much or how badly I've fucked up over the years, I want to say that it was my decision, this was why, how stupid it was, and be at peace with that. I can't live because someone else suggests or advises me to do something, regardless of his sensical or domineering it is. I need to understand myself, and thus understand why I do things, and dominate this stupid behavioural disorder and re-learn that ADD is not a disease, but a gift.  Train muself to use it as an advantage and not a weight as I've been taught it is. But... I do not know how.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Embracing a sea of challenge, conflict, and metal.

Speaking of creative ways to make breakfast! I've decided that come October 1st I'll be moving in with a friend of mine from work, instead of relocating with my parents. It'll be better for my commute to school and the ability to stay awake at night to work on audio stuff (with headphones in of course) will help me immensely. Having my own space, of course with financial responsibility, will also help out loads. I know from ym kelowna experience that I can do it, and being in a prime transit location close to school and work will also mean I don't need to use my car. For now, it's a tougher choice, but long term it probably sets me up for better opportunities. I'd rather not risk coming all the way from Richmond and missing even one connection that'll make me 15 mins late for class. Plus I get along well with Jeff, he's shown me his place and we've sorted out all the little things that ar eimportant to us. He won't care how my room looks (so long as there's no bacteria farms and it smells half decent) and I have enough common sense to know that whatever mess I make I clean it up. It will be a challenge at first, but one I can easily embrace.

Apart from that interesting piece of information, this week has been brutal! Last weekend was the Rock Creek Fall Fair. Got to hang with my friends again and catch up with them. Wandered around for a bit and checked out some stuff. All in all really, I could miss the fair and honestly care less about anything that happens there. I go for the reunion with friends and the epic tales that seem to come from that. I saw Spencer again and was really happy he's doing well. Was really glad Clinton, Kayli, and Darrell were able to make it up for the fair too. I also brought Adam and his gf, Jessie, up as well. All in all it turned out to be an interesting reunion for a Saturday. We all split ways by early evening, but the epic tales did not end. I heard Darrell was pressured into, using a firey means to mow his lawn. Yes, let's leave it at that. Adam and Jessie went home, and I rolled out with Spencer and Cassandra to the Pub, I said hi to my old boss and we proceeded to eat and drink. Turned out that Spencer's ex-wife and her family were there too, so that proved to be a little awkward for them. I won't get into the details, but let's just say that it was rather entertaining listening to their...laughter. Anyways, after paying our tabs, we rolled up to his old family farm and proceeded to have epic conversation about how to get through to women, life, happiness, following your instincts, and of course, BEER! Though I learned one really valuable lesson: NEVER EVER MIX BOILERMAKERS IN YOUR MOUTH!!! That...really did not end well. Further proof that the first wave you don't feel, the second wave starts hurting, and the third wave IS WHERE YOU DIE! Well ok, I'm not dead, but you get the idea...

The next day was spent in total recovery mode, had an epic buffet breakfast, then I rolled back to Greenwood to visit with Adam's family. The entire day was spent playing Mariokart 64. We once again realized exactly how truthful this comic really is: Anyone who has played mariokart WILL UNDERSTAND THE BRUTAL ANNOYANCE OF OTHER PLAYERS!!! Either way, it was a horrendously fun, despite all the F-bombs, and resulted in many laughs, mishaps, and the very frequent high five.

Yesterday night was a concert I've been waiting for for 3 months. I went with Melissa to see Arch Enemy. That show was absolutely incredible!!! We showed up just after Skeletonwitch started playing and they were pretty awesome. I have nothing to say about devildriver. The bassist kept spitting on the crowd. Who the hell are you, Sid Vicious? Grow the fuck up. That's just disgusting. I honestly couldn't wait for them to leave. Arch Enemy came on and put on an amazing show. Their stage presence was phenomenal, and I honestly couldn't figure out who to look at: Angela or Michael. Michael because, he's the guitarist and Anglea because, well, she's killer awesome. She started talking about Amnesty International and how people in places in the world get beaten for learning to read, expressing art or clothing that shows freedom or individuality, murdered for using their voice to speak out against horrendous conditions. You name it. I admit, my first thought was "great, it's the Bono treatment" but that honestly could not be farther from the truth. She doens't just rant and rave, being in the position they are puts them in prime spots to stand up for and fight for freedom for others, and get other people to get angry about this and care about the world. If used correctly, anger can be a powerful force of change and a powerful driving force for good. They're political because they care, which many people don't do anymore. Why should we be concerned with somethign that doesn't directly affect us? Walk a mile in their shoes, and see what you think. You wouldn't like that happening to you, would you? I donate to the United Way for that very reason. We become so easily detached from things that it's sad, we're so easily distracted from the world. As a human being, I think it's up to those who have to commit a portion to those without to empower them to change their world for the better. Who else is gonna do it? Thank you Arch Enemy, for being a band that fights for a better world, where too many are just meatheads who could care less. Follow your dreams, because too many don't, and just lie to themselves.

Apart from that, the show was still incredible. Of course Michael Arnott comes out and hands picks to everyone, and he handed one right to me! The problem was, some fucking douchebag stole it right out of my hand as I was closing it. Asshole! What are you going to do with it! Probably cum on it. That pick had special powers that would have made me an OK guitarist, instead of a certified wanker! I did get to high five Angela though. It's always really awesome to have some kind of human contact with your heroes, who aren't despicable. Too many role models are horrible, greedy people who paint themselves as the saviours of our time and keep the world in an age of darkness and only truly understand half of the truth. These are the people that need to be cast down. The people need to speak and say that we will not stand for plutonomy or greed. We want Equity.

Apart from that, Vacation is almost over. Work Saturday, and coupled with moving to two different locations (helping parents move to one and me moving to the other) will prove to be very very challenging. It'll be worth it though. I'm learning to make my own mistakes and decide what I need to do, even if I'm wrong, mistakes can translate into opportunities. Confidence is looking back and admitting you were wrong but understanding and standing up for why you did it, Arrogance is never admitting it was wrong.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Metal, DnD, Determinism, Integrity, and Wings!

Gorram it, In one week there's been a lot to talk about!!!

Okay so last week I spoke about coffee with someone I met on POF. Turns out Melissa is pretty damn awesome and has started introducing me to more metal. We had coffee and I invited her out drinking with some buddies on monday, which turned out to be very awesome. I introduced her to Adam, Jessie and, Wayne. Looking forward to many more meetings! Actually, I'm fully considering buying Napalm Death and Mayhem tickets for their October and November shows. Both at the Rickshaw. Damn that's gonna be epic! Especially if Melissa wants to go, which he says she does.

But ok, so the entire weekend has been pretty insane. Given that labour day was monday, customers at work were absolute savage both sunday and tuesday. Either way, Challenge was accepted and I appeared to do alright considering. Vacation also got approved so I have a week off come september. I'm looking forward to the Fall Fair and Arch Enemy afterward. The fall fair back in my hometown is a yearly tradition that I missed last year. I've made plans to go, so I'm sorry Lesley, I'm going to miss your birthday. We will hangout soon!

The previous Saturday (not last) we had our first official DnD meeting, where we discussed exactly what it is we expect from the group and the game itself. We decided on rolling with Version 3.5, because Version 4 is absolute bullshit. Why I spent over 200 bucks on those books is beyond me. Dug out all of my dice and such, so this should be awesome. All of us, Adam, Teno, Leanne, and Vic seem to be on the same page. Everything is going to be awesome! Looking forward to it!!!

Last saturday was an epic night of beer and debauchery between Myself, Ben, and Vic. It turned out to be Kareoke night at the pioneer, as if listening to bad music sung through autotune on Beat 94.5 at work isn't bad enough, we of course were subjected to it at kareoke, nevermind people not saying the lyrics that are right in front of them. Then of course someone had to try and convince us to sing. My solution: Sing Katy Perry with a death growl. That would have been awesome, if horrifying cause my singing voice is cruel and unusual punishment. If I sang, someone would have to notify the UN. Either way, Conversation appeared to range from why metal is awesome, me teaching Ben's sister, Rachel, guitar, Determinism versus Free Will, and what life in itself is all about and the idea of having power and domination over everything in order to succeed, however this is not to be taken in a demeaning manner: Domination and power in this sense simply means mastery and accomplishment, when you achieve this, you move onto the next thing, hence life is all about finding the next plaything (again not to sound demeaning, jsut that once somethign is fulfilled, find something else) but the question remains, is life determined in that every moment is the byproduct of the previous moment, or does Free Will have a factor in that we have the ability to choose? Interesting question. Turns out stupid people aren't the problem, but smart people who only understand half of the reality, they destroy things.

Monday, as previously mentioned, was another epic drinking night, sadly neither Ben nor Victor could make it, but Adam and Jessie did, along with Wayne and Melissa. Hudson's pub has great wings!!! Most of the night was spent talking about metal, and a lot of the crazy stories from Wayne's Metal shows. Melissa's last metal show was in 2008, which is incredibly sad. Though Wayne was telling us about his experiences with Nazi skinheads meeting a 6'8" Native American; Mose's epic Judo throw on some fatass obnoxious drunk at Alice in Chains; The Beastie Boys calling some guy out, from the stage no less, for being a complete and utter pig toward women; and of course the previous Slayer show. Unfortunately, the chef's in the kitchen were playing Lamb of God, which is like the Nickelback of Metal. We wanted to march in there, throw our plates at them, and forcefeed them some Dying Fetus. LISTEN TO REAL METAL!!! \m/

Of coruse yesterday I had an interesting crisis regarding integrity. Question is do I actualyl ahve any? I firmly believe that if someone does not have integrity, then what do they have? Though, I often feel my daily life does not reflect the values I uphold. I often am perplexed at how I can solve this issue, and despite others pointing it out to me and me accepting the constructive critisism, I do not fully understand how to rectify it. Perhaps that is the experience of life and that I simply am not fully happy at my situation, which I knew. Perhaps next month I shall see where it goes.

Which brings me to today: I plan on visiting the bank (woo...), seeing my friend Julie for coffee and catching up on shit since High School, heading down to Scrape for tickets, and visiting the Apple Store (omfg...what have I become?) All in all, it should be fun.