Sunday, September 25, 2011

Eternally simple in its complexity.

Brain Parliament is a funny decision making process sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if it's more complex than real parliament...

The odd part is, the ego, me, being the veto power (yes, with the nerve to veto parliament, I'm not about to cry and forcefeed myself twinkies anytime soon) ultimately feels that each decision made to this point was not of my own whim. I feel as if I have been living my life on someone else's wishes. Of course the fact that each decision you make will be influenced by something (TV, Parents, Videogames, Friends, Webcomics, Role Models, etc) aside, I feel that truly no decision I've made has come without suggestion or order from another. I feel I cannot truly think for myself and that I miss things when I do, important things, things that should not be forgotten. I need to forge my own path and to do that, it must be without doing what others suggest, and reaping the consequences of my actions be they good or bad. I feel that is the only way I am to gain life experience right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to do the opposite of what peopel tell me, because that's jsut spite and will also serve me nothing.

I've not accomplished much in life currently, mind you even Julius Caesar didn't accomplish much at this point in his life. At the age of 45 he had just received his first army, and when he looked upon a statue of Alexander he wept, because Alexander had obtained his army at the age of 20 and had conquered the known world by the age of 27. As of now, I've been accepted to three different schools, with this latest one being Audio Engineering, that decision was mine. I've toured Europe for two months, even then I feel I went to most of the places that my parents wanted me to go to (not that I didn't enjoy it), with only a couple of things I wanted to do. I've successfully held down a job, now going into my 5th year, which is good considering most my age can't do that. I've been playing guitar since I was 15 and, well, I don't consider myself that good, given that I feel basic things are lost on me. I recently discovered that when I concentrate hard enough on learning something new on guitar, I actually stop breathing for a bit, then start again faster and taking deeper breaths thus throwing off my heartbeat and any shred of internal rhythm I have, fucking up my actions. It's frustrating that I forget to do something basic when I'm trying to do something new. Added to that I have focusing issues due to having ADD. I'm not using ADD as an excuse, as far as I'm concerned it isn't and is not a barrier whatsoever, but I notice it in daily living and it frustrates me. I routinely have these issues of losing my train of thought halfway through, scrambling to try and think of soemthing to say and it coming out with wrong word or phrase, or stopping completely wondering where the fuck I was going. It happens all the time, and is frustrating as fuck because it makes me feel like a complete idiot. It hinders memory, I half the time have to ask and re-ask what people say to be sure of what I need to do or remember, which again makes me feel dumb because it's probably something so remotely simple a dog can understand it. I can't remember who tells me what half the time, nor do I remember what I've said to others, only that I know I've said it before. Explaining myself can be a challenge, because a lot of the time people will ask why I'm doing soemthing and I can have a perfectly logical thought patterns and know why I do it, but when asked I go blank, thus giving the impression I don't know what I do or do things without thinking. Half the time my only response is "because I was told to/taught to do it this way" meaning I DON'T THINK FOR MYSELF. Regardless of what goes on in my head, no one sees that and we observe based on what we see, not what we infer. Bottom life of this is, as said before, i feel I've not accomplished anything and my own brain parliament drags itself in multiple directions at once, ultimately being guided by an external source and living on another's wishes, instead of my own.

In life, you need to blaze your own trail, regardless of whare you end up. I simply want to look back on my life and, regardless of how much or how badly I've fucked up over the years, I want to say that it was my decision, this was why, how stupid it was, and be at peace with that. I can't live because someone else suggests or advises me to do something, regardless of his sensical or domineering it is. I need to understand myself, and thus understand why I do things, and dominate this stupid behavioural disorder and re-learn that ADD is not a disease, but a gift.  Train muself to use it as an advantage and not a weight as I've been taught it is. But... I do not know how.

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