http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2235#comic
Brain Parliament is a funny decision making process sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if it's more complex than real parliament...
The odd part is, the ego, me, being the veto power (yes, with the nerve to veto parliament, I'm not about to cry and forcefeed myself twinkies anytime soon) ultimately feels that each decision made to this point was not of my own whim. I feel as if I have been living my life on someone else's wishes. Of course the fact that each decision you make will be influenced by something (TV, Parents, Videogames, Friends, Webcomics, Role Models, etc) aside, I feel that truly no decision I've made has come without suggestion or order from another. I feel I cannot truly think for myself and that I miss things when I do, important things, things that should not be forgotten. I need to forge my own path and to do that, it must be without doing what others suggest, and reaping the consequences of my actions be they good or bad. I feel that is the only way I am to gain life experience right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to do the opposite of what peopel tell me, because that's jsut spite and will also serve me nothing.
I've not accomplished much in life currently, mind you even Julius Caesar didn't accomplish much at this point in his life. At the age of 45 he had just received his first army, and when he looked upon a statue of Alexander he wept, because Alexander had obtained his army at the age of 20 and had conquered the known world by the age of 27. As of now, I've been accepted to three different schools, with this latest one being Audio Engineering, that decision was mine. I've toured Europe for two months, even then I feel I went to most of the places that my parents wanted me to go to (not that I didn't enjoy it), with only a couple of things I wanted to do. I've successfully held down a job, now going into my 5th year, which is good considering most my age can't do that. I've been playing guitar since I was 15 and, well, I don't consider myself that good, given that I feel basic things are lost on me. I recently discovered that when I concentrate hard enough on learning something new on guitar, I actually stop breathing for a bit, then start again faster and taking deeper breaths thus throwing off my heartbeat and any shred of internal rhythm I have, fucking up my actions. It's frustrating that I forget to do something basic when I'm trying to do something new. Added to that I have focusing issues due to having ADD. I'm not using ADD as an excuse, as far as I'm concerned it isn't and is not a barrier whatsoever, but I notice it in daily living and it frustrates me. I routinely have these issues of losing my train of thought halfway through, scrambling to try and think of soemthing to say and it coming out with wrong word or phrase, or stopping completely wondering where the fuck I was going. It happens all the time, and is frustrating as fuck because it makes me feel like a complete idiot. It hinders memory, I half the time have to ask and re-ask what people say to be sure of what I need to do or remember, which again makes me feel dumb because it's probably something so remotely simple a dog can understand it. I can't remember who tells me what half the time, nor do I remember what I've said to others, only that I know I've said it before. Explaining myself can be a challenge, because a lot of the time people will ask why I'm doing soemthing and I can have a perfectly logical thought patterns and know why I do it, but when asked I go blank, thus giving the impression I don't know what I do or do things without thinking. Half the time my only response is "because I was told to/taught to do it this way" meaning I DON'T THINK FOR MYSELF. Regardless of what goes on in my head, no one sees that and we observe based on what we see, not what we infer. Bottom life of this is, as said before, i feel I've not accomplished anything and my own brain parliament drags itself in multiple directions at once, ultimately being guided by an external source and living on another's wishes, instead of my own.
In life, you need to blaze your own trail, regardless of whare you end up. I simply want to look back on my life and, regardless of how much or how badly I've fucked up over the years, I want to say that it was my decision, this was why, how stupid it was, and be at peace with that. I can't live because someone else suggests or advises me to do something, regardless of his sensical or domineering it is. I need to understand myself, and thus understand why I do things, and dominate this stupid behavioural disorder and re-learn that ADD is not a disease, but a gift. Train muself to use it as an advantage and not a weight as I've been taught it is. But... I do not know how.
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Embracing a sea of challenge, conflict, and metal.
http://xkcd.com/421/
Speaking of creative ways to make breakfast! I've decided that come October 1st I'll be moving in with a friend of mine from work, instead of relocating with my parents. It'll be better for my commute to school and the ability to stay awake at night to work on audio stuff (with headphones in of course) will help me immensely. Having my own space, of course with financial responsibility, will also help out loads. I know from ym kelowna experience that I can do it, and being in a prime transit location close to school and work will also mean I don't need to use my car. For now, it's a tougher choice, but long term it probably sets me up for better opportunities. I'd rather not risk coming all the way from Richmond and missing even one connection that'll make me 15 mins late for class. Plus I get along well with Jeff, he's shown me his place and we've sorted out all the little things that ar eimportant to us. He won't care how my room looks (so long as there's no bacteria farms and it smells half decent) and I have enough common sense to know that whatever mess I make I clean it up. It will be a challenge at first, but one I can easily embrace.
Apart from that interesting piece of information, this week has been brutal! Last weekend was the Rock Creek Fall Fair. Got to hang with my friends again and catch up with them. Wandered around for a bit and checked out some stuff. All in all really, I could miss the fair and honestly care less about anything that happens there. I go for the reunion with friends and the epic tales that seem to come from that. I saw Spencer again and was really happy he's doing well. Was really glad Clinton, Kayli, and Darrell were able to make it up for the fair too. I also brought Adam and his gf, Jessie, up as well. All in all it turned out to be an interesting reunion for a Saturday. We all split ways by early evening, but the epic tales did not end. I heard Darrell was pressured into, using a firey means to mow his lawn. Yes, let's leave it at that. Adam and Jessie went home, and I rolled out with Spencer and Cassandra to the Pub, I said hi to my old boss and we proceeded to eat and drink. Turned out that Spencer's ex-wife and her family were there too, so that proved to be a little awkward for them. I won't get into the details, but let's just say that it was rather entertaining listening to their...laughter. Anyways, after paying our tabs, we rolled up to his old family farm and proceeded to have epic conversation about how to get through to women, life, happiness, following your instincts, and of course, BEER! Though I learned one really valuable lesson: NEVER EVER MIX BOILERMAKERS IN YOUR MOUTH!!! That...really did not end well. Further proof that the first wave you don't feel, the second wave starts hurting, and the third wave IS WHERE YOU DIE! Well ok, I'm not dead, but you get the idea...
The next day was spent in total recovery mode, had an epic buffet breakfast, then I rolled back to Greenwood to visit with Adam's family. The entire day was spent playing Mariokart 64. We once again realized exactly how truthful this comic really is: http://www.xkcd.com/290/ Anyone who has played mariokart WILL UNDERSTAND THE BRUTAL ANNOYANCE OF OTHER PLAYERS!!! Either way, it was a horrendously fun, despite all the F-bombs, and resulted in many laughs, mishaps, and the very frequent high five.
Yesterday night was a concert I've been waiting for for 3 months. I went with Melissa to see Arch Enemy. That show was absolutely incredible!!! We showed up just after Skeletonwitch started playing and they were pretty awesome. I have nothing to say about devildriver. The bassist kept spitting on the crowd. Who the hell are you, Sid Vicious? Grow the fuck up. That's just disgusting. I honestly couldn't wait for them to leave. Arch Enemy came on and put on an amazing show. Their stage presence was phenomenal, and I honestly couldn't figure out who to look at: Angela or Michael. Michael because, he's the guitarist and Anglea because, well, she's killer awesome. She started talking about Amnesty International and how people in places in the world get beaten for learning to read, expressing art or clothing that shows freedom or individuality, murdered for using their voice to speak out against horrendous conditions. You name it. I admit, my first thought was "great, it's the Bono treatment" but that honestly could not be farther from the truth. She doens't just rant and rave, being in the position they are puts them in prime spots to stand up for and fight for freedom for others, and get other people to get angry about this and care about the world. If used correctly, anger can be a powerful force of change and a powerful driving force for good. They're political because they care, which many people don't do anymore. Why should we be concerned with somethign that doesn't directly affect us? Walk a mile in their shoes, and see what you think. You wouldn't like that happening to you, would you? I donate to the United Way for that very reason. We become so easily detached from things that it's sad, we're so easily distracted from the world. As a human being, I think it's up to those who have to commit a portion to those without to empower them to change their world for the better. Who else is gonna do it? Thank you Arch Enemy, for being a band that fights for a better world, where too many are just meatheads who could care less. Follow your dreams, because too many don't, and just lie to themselves.
Apart from that, the show was still incredible. Of course Michael Arnott comes out and hands picks to everyone, and he handed one right to me! The problem was, some fucking douchebag stole it right out of my hand as I was closing it. Asshole! What are you going to do with it! Probably cum on it. That pick had special powers that would have made me an OK guitarist, instead of a certified wanker! I did get to high five Angela though. It's always really awesome to have some kind of human contact with your heroes, who aren't despicable. Too many role models are horrible, greedy people who paint themselves as the saviours of our time and keep the world in an age of darkness and only truly understand half of the truth. These are the people that need to be cast down. The people need to speak and say that we will not stand for plutonomy or greed. We want Equity.
Apart from that, Vacation is almost over. Work Saturday, and coupled with moving to two different locations (helping parents move to one and me moving to the other) will prove to be very very challenging. It'll be worth it though. I'm learning to make my own mistakes and decide what I need to do, even if I'm wrong, mistakes can translate into opportunities. Confidence is looking back and admitting you were wrong but understanding and standing up for why you did it, Arrogance is never admitting it was wrong.
\m/
Speaking of creative ways to make breakfast! I've decided that come October 1st I'll be moving in with a friend of mine from work, instead of relocating with my parents. It'll be better for my commute to school and the ability to stay awake at night to work on audio stuff (with headphones in of course) will help me immensely. Having my own space, of course with financial responsibility, will also help out loads. I know from ym kelowna experience that I can do it, and being in a prime transit location close to school and work will also mean I don't need to use my car. For now, it's a tougher choice, but long term it probably sets me up for better opportunities. I'd rather not risk coming all the way from Richmond and missing even one connection that'll make me 15 mins late for class. Plus I get along well with Jeff, he's shown me his place and we've sorted out all the little things that ar eimportant to us. He won't care how my room looks (so long as there's no bacteria farms and it smells half decent) and I have enough common sense to know that whatever mess I make I clean it up. It will be a challenge at first, but one I can easily embrace.
Apart from that interesting piece of information, this week has been brutal! Last weekend was the Rock Creek Fall Fair. Got to hang with my friends again and catch up with them. Wandered around for a bit and checked out some stuff. All in all really, I could miss the fair and honestly care less about anything that happens there. I go for the reunion with friends and the epic tales that seem to come from that. I saw Spencer again and was really happy he's doing well. Was really glad Clinton, Kayli, and Darrell were able to make it up for the fair too. I also brought Adam and his gf, Jessie, up as well. All in all it turned out to be an interesting reunion for a Saturday. We all split ways by early evening, but the epic tales did not end. I heard Darrell was pressured into, using a firey means to mow his lawn. Yes, let's leave it at that. Adam and Jessie went home, and I rolled out with Spencer and Cassandra to the Pub, I said hi to my old boss and we proceeded to eat and drink. Turned out that Spencer's ex-wife and her family were there too, so that proved to be a little awkward for them. I won't get into the details, but let's just say that it was rather entertaining listening to their...laughter. Anyways, after paying our tabs, we rolled up to his old family farm and proceeded to have epic conversation about how to get through to women, life, happiness, following your instincts, and of course, BEER! Though I learned one really valuable lesson: NEVER EVER MIX BOILERMAKERS IN YOUR MOUTH!!! That...really did not end well. Further proof that the first wave you don't feel, the second wave starts hurting, and the third wave IS WHERE YOU DIE! Well ok, I'm not dead, but you get the idea...
The next day was spent in total recovery mode, had an epic buffet breakfast, then I rolled back to Greenwood to visit with Adam's family. The entire day was spent playing Mariokart 64. We once again realized exactly how truthful this comic really is: http://www.xkcd.com/290/ Anyone who has played mariokart WILL UNDERSTAND THE BRUTAL ANNOYANCE OF OTHER PLAYERS!!! Either way, it was a horrendously fun, despite all the F-bombs, and resulted in many laughs, mishaps, and the very frequent high five.
Yesterday night was a concert I've been waiting for for 3 months. I went with Melissa to see Arch Enemy. That show was absolutely incredible!!! We showed up just after Skeletonwitch started playing and they were pretty awesome. I have nothing to say about devildriver. The bassist kept spitting on the crowd. Who the hell are you, Sid Vicious? Grow the fuck up. That's just disgusting. I honestly couldn't wait for them to leave. Arch Enemy came on and put on an amazing show. Their stage presence was phenomenal, and I honestly couldn't figure out who to look at: Angela or Michael. Michael because, he's the guitarist and Anglea because, well, she's killer awesome. She started talking about Amnesty International and how people in places in the world get beaten for learning to read, expressing art or clothing that shows freedom or individuality, murdered for using their voice to speak out against horrendous conditions. You name it. I admit, my first thought was "great, it's the Bono treatment" but that honestly could not be farther from the truth. She doens't just rant and rave, being in the position they are puts them in prime spots to stand up for and fight for freedom for others, and get other people to get angry about this and care about the world. If used correctly, anger can be a powerful force of change and a powerful driving force for good. They're political because they care, which many people don't do anymore. Why should we be concerned with somethign that doesn't directly affect us? Walk a mile in their shoes, and see what you think. You wouldn't like that happening to you, would you? I donate to the United Way for that very reason. We become so easily detached from things that it's sad, we're so easily distracted from the world. As a human being, I think it's up to those who have to commit a portion to those without to empower them to change their world for the better. Who else is gonna do it? Thank you Arch Enemy, for being a band that fights for a better world, where too many are just meatheads who could care less. Follow your dreams, because too many don't, and just lie to themselves.
Apart from that, the show was still incredible. Of course Michael Arnott comes out and hands picks to everyone, and he handed one right to me! The problem was, some fucking douchebag stole it right out of my hand as I was closing it. Asshole! What are you going to do with it! Probably cum on it. That pick had special powers that would have made me an OK guitarist, instead of a certified wanker! I did get to high five Angela though. It's always really awesome to have some kind of human contact with your heroes, who aren't despicable. Too many role models are horrible, greedy people who paint themselves as the saviours of our time and keep the world in an age of darkness and only truly understand half of the truth. These are the people that need to be cast down. The people need to speak and say that we will not stand for plutonomy or greed. We want Equity.
Apart from that, Vacation is almost over. Work Saturday, and coupled with moving to two different locations (helping parents move to one and me moving to the other) will prove to be very very challenging. It'll be worth it though. I'm learning to make my own mistakes and decide what I need to do, even if I'm wrong, mistakes can translate into opportunities. Confidence is looking back and admitting you were wrong but understanding and standing up for why you did it, Arrogance is never admitting it was wrong.
\m/
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Metal, DnD, Determinism, Integrity, and Wings!
http://www.xkcd.com/393/
Gorram it, In one week there's been a lot to talk about!!!
Okay so last week I spoke about coffee with someone I met on POF. Turns out Melissa is pretty damn awesome and has started introducing me to more metal. We had coffee and I invited her out drinking with some buddies on monday, which turned out to be very awesome. I introduced her to Adam, Jessie and, Wayne. Looking forward to many more meetings! Actually, I'm fully considering buying Napalm Death and Mayhem tickets for their October and November shows. Both at the Rickshaw. Damn that's gonna be epic! Especially if Melissa wants to go, which he says she does.
But ok, so the entire weekend has been pretty insane. Given that labour day was monday, customers at work were absolute savage both sunday and tuesday. Either way, Challenge was accepted and I appeared to do alright considering. Vacation also got approved so I have a week off come september. I'm looking forward to the Fall Fair and Arch Enemy afterward. The fall fair back in my hometown is a yearly tradition that I missed last year. I've made plans to go, so I'm sorry Lesley, I'm going to miss your birthday. We will hangout soon!
The previous Saturday (not last) we had our first official DnD meeting, where we discussed exactly what it is we expect from the group and the game itself. We decided on rolling with Version 3.5, because Version 4 is absolute bullshit. Why I spent over 200 bucks on those books is beyond me. Dug out all of my dice and such, so this should be awesome. All of us, Adam, Teno, Leanne, and Vic seem to be on the same page. Everything is going to be awesome! Looking forward to it!!!
Last saturday was an epic night of beer and debauchery between Myself, Ben, and Vic. It turned out to be Kareoke night at the pioneer, as if listening to bad music sung through autotune on Beat 94.5 at work isn't bad enough, we of course were subjected to it at kareoke, nevermind people not saying the lyrics that are right in front of them. Then of course someone had to try and convince us to sing. My solution: Sing Katy Perry with a death growl. That would have been awesome, if horrifying cause my singing voice is cruel and unusual punishment. If I sang, someone would have to notify the UN. Either way, Conversation appeared to range from why metal is awesome, me teaching Ben's sister, Rachel, guitar, Determinism versus Free Will, and what life in itself is all about and the idea of having power and domination over everything in order to succeed, however this is not to be taken in a demeaning manner: Domination and power in this sense simply means mastery and accomplishment, when you achieve this, you move onto the next thing, hence life is all about finding the next plaything (again not to sound demeaning, jsut that once somethign is fulfilled, find something else) but the question remains, is life determined in that every moment is the byproduct of the previous moment, or does Free Will have a factor in that we have the ability to choose? Interesting question. Turns out stupid people aren't the problem, but smart people who only understand half of the reality, they destroy things.
Monday, as previously mentioned, was another epic drinking night, sadly neither Ben nor Victor could make it, but Adam and Jessie did, along with Wayne and Melissa. Hudson's pub has great wings!!! Most of the night was spent talking about metal, and a lot of the crazy stories from Wayne's Metal shows. Melissa's last metal show was in 2008, which is incredibly sad. Though Wayne was telling us about his experiences with Nazi skinheads meeting a 6'8" Native American; Mose's epic Judo throw on some fatass obnoxious drunk at Alice in Chains; The Beastie Boys calling some guy out, from the stage no less, for being a complete and utter pig toward women; and of course the previous Slayer show. Unfortunately, the chef's in the kitchen were playing Lamb of God, which is like the Nickelback of Metal. We wanted to march in there, throw our plates at them, and forcefeed them some Dying Fetus. LISTEN TO REAL METAL!!! \m/
Of coruse yesterday I had an interesting crisis regarding integrity. Question is do I actualyl ahve any? I firmly believe that if someone does not have integrity, then what do they have? Though, I often feel my daily life does not reflect the values I uphold. I often am perplexed at how I can solve this issue, and despite others pointing it out to me and me accepting the constructive critisism, I do not fully understand how to rectify it. Perhaps that is the experience of life and that I simply am not fully happy at my situation, which I knew. Perhaps next month I shall see where it goes.
Which brings me to today: I plan on visiting the bank (woo...), seeing my friend Julie for coffee and catching up on shit since High School, heading down to Scrape for tickets, and visiting the Apple Store (omfg...what have I become?) All in all, it should be fun.
I RIDE! TO BATTLE!!!
Gorram it, In one week there's been a lot to talk about!!!
Okay so last week I spoke about coffee with someone I met on POF. Turns out Melissa is pretty damn awesome and has started introducing me to more metal. We had coffee and I invited her out drinking with some buddies on monday, which turned out to be very awesome. I introduced her to Adam, Jessie and, Wayne. Looking forward to many more meetings! Actually, I'm fully considering buying Napalm Death and Mayhem tickets for their October and November shows. Both at the Rickshaw. Damn that's gonna be epic! Especially if Melissa wants to go, which he says she does.
But ok, so the entire weekend has been pretty insane. Given that labour day was monday, customers at work were absolute savage both sunday and tuesday. Either way, Challenge was accepted and I appeared to do alright considering. Vacation also got approved so I have a week off come september. I'm looking forward to the Fall Fair and Arch Enemy afterward. The fall fair back in my hometown is a yearly tradition that I missed last year. I've made plans to go, so I'm sorry Lesley, I'm going to miss your birthday. We will hangout soon!
The previous Saturday (not last) we had our first official DnD meeting, where we discussed exactly what it is we expect from the group and the game itself. We decided on rolling with Version 3.5, because Version 4 is absolute bullshit. Why I spent over 200 bucks on those books is beyond me. Dug out all of my dice and such, so this should be awesome. All of us, Adam, Teno, Leanne, and Vic seem to be on the same page. Everything is going to be awesome! Looking forward to it!!!
Last saturday was an epic night of beer and debauchery between Myself, Ben, and Vic. It turned out to be Kareoke night at the pioneer, as if listening to bad music sung through autotune on Beat 94.5 at work isn't bad enough, we of course were subjected to it at kareoke, nevermind people not saying the lyrics that are right in front of them. Then of course someone had to try and convince us to sing. My solution: Sing Katy Perry with a death growl. That would have been awesome, if horrifying cause my singing voice is cruel and unusual punishment. If I sang, someone would have to notify the UN. Either way, Conversation appeared to range from why metal is awesome, me teaching Ben's sister, Rachel, guitar, Determinism versus Free Will, and what life in itself is all about and the idea of having power and domination over everything in order to succeed, however this is not to be taken in a demeaning manner: Domination and power in this sense simply means mastery and accomplishment, when you achieve this, you move onto the next thing, hence life is all about finding the next plaything (again not to sound demeaning, jsut that once somethign is fulfilled, find something else) but the question remains, is life determined in that every moment is the byproduct of the previous moment, or does Free Will have a factor in that we have the ability to choose? Interesting question. Turns out stupid people aren't the problem, but smart people who only understand half of the reality, they destroy things.
Monday, as previously mentioned, was another epic drinking night, sadly neither Ben nor Victor could make it, but Adam and Jessie did, along with Wayne and Melissa. Hudson's pub has great wings!!! Most of the night was spent talking about metal, and a lot of the crazy stories from Wayne's Metal shows. Melissa's last metal show was in 2008, which is incredibly sad. Though Wayne was telling us about his experiences with Nazi skinheads meeting a 6'8" Native American; Mose's epic Judo throw on some fatass obnoxious drunk at Alice in Chains; The Beastie Boys calling some guy out, from the stage no less, for being a complete and utter pig toward women; and of course the previous Slayer show. Unfortunately, the chef's in the kitchen were playing Lamb of God, which is like the Nickelback of Metal. We wanted to march in there, throw our plates at them, and forcefeed them some Dying Fetus. LISTEN TO REAL METAL!!! \m/
Of coruse yesterday I had an interesting crisis regarding integrity. Question is do I actualyl ahve any? I firmly believe that if someone does not have integrity, then what do they have? Though, I often feel my daily life does not reflect the values I uphold. I often am perplexed at how I can solve this issue, and despite others pointing it out to me and me accepting the constructive critisism, I do not fully understand how to rectify it. Perhaps that is the experience of life and that I simply am not fully happy at my situation, which I knew. Perhaps next month I shall see where it goes.
Which brings me to today: I plan on visiting the bank (woo...), seeing my friend Julie for coffee and catching up on shit since High School, heading down to Scrape for tickets, and visiting the Apple Store (omfg...what have I become?) All in all, it should be fun.
I RIDE! TO BATTLE!!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Red Alert
http://www.xkcd.com/220/
You try not doing the same thing day in and day out and not thinking "is this it? Or was I supposed to do something more?"
If you've watched the newest Star Trek movie, remember the scene when Captain Pike was talking to Kirk in the bar? When he says to him "are you content with being the only Genius level repeat-offender in the midwest? Or do you feel like you were meant for something greater?"
Well, that's kind of how I feel...well ok I'm not a repeat offender, at least I don't think so...
Perhaps ultimately that's all I seek and desire, is a change in life or a pathway to what I was destined to be. I am starting Audio Engineering school in October, but is that enough? What if is a dangerous question, but it has crossed my mind and messed up it's wiring. What if I don't find what I'm looking for after my 9 months is over? What then? It's a hard industry to break into. I want to be able to find a team of musicians and get a band together, but I really don't know how to go about that. Mind you one of the new seasonals at work, who works meat department, also plays guitar. So maybe...
Either way, I know I'm young and I will spin my wheels and flounder and nothing will get done, however I'd rather not do this too much. I'm almost 22 years old and I feel I have no major accomplishments in life, aside from spending 2 months in Europe. Even then I feel I didn't make the most out of the trip, as amazing as it was.
I feel as if I've spent too much time as a pissant doing the same thing, but it's a wise occupation to keep while I am in school. I started school doing a history major, switched to sociology, but then right afterwards, switched to Audio Engineering. I love music, so I wanted to be in a field where I could be close to the music industry, even if I'm not the one performing. I'd rather be performing, but there's complications with that too.
Breaking into the recording industry is just as hard as breaking in as an artist. You have to go long periods and shell out dedicated effort while bringing in little income and hope for a decent break. It's a lifestyle, not a job. One I would certainly like to be a part of, however I question whether or not I have what it takes. Am I ready for this? Who is ever ready to do what needs to be done? No one is born ready. You just have to take life by the horns. If you can't dodge it, ram it.
Just as the hero is forced to start his quest to defeat evil, evil is waiting for him, watching him. The hero is weak, but must develop and grow. Without growth he cannot face evil, and he must disccover himself and fight his own inner demons as well. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
While I have no idea what it is I have to do, that's just part of the discovery of life. Unfortunately my uncertainty has a habit of pissing people off, which really doesn't help me in the slightest and keeps making me feel I'm doing it wrong. A friend of mine was talking to me last night, and he is telling me that failure and success are relative designations. Success is short lived in the greater acquisition of power, the more you grow the more that you will fail and succeed. It's wonderful to be able to do something, but eventually you want to do it better. Every success renders the former success as a greater failure. I simply have a habit of punishing myself for failure, which adds to the anxiety and simply hurts me, nothing gets done. Rather than punishing myself, I need to look upon failure as learning and don't punish myself, but encourage. It's a tough habit to break, but keeping your eyes open and being extremely sensitive at all times is a healthy habit. In the end, failure becomes more important than success, because it's the other side to the coin. It's progress, and failure and success are like bitter rivals that are also lovers. Balance, trying to be better than the other, but cannot live without each other.
I need to be harder on myself, but in the right ways, enouraging myself to learn, not punishing myself for failing. It's a tough habit to break, considering I feel I've always been punished for failing. The world expects you to succeed the first time. But that's partly due to the society of instant gratification... And a whole other debate.
You try not doing the same thing day in and day out and not thinking "is this it? Or was I supposed to do something more?"
If you've watched the newest Star Trek movie, remember the scene when Captain Pike was talking to Kirk in the bar? When he says to him "are you content with being the only Genius level repeat-offender in the midwest? Or do you feel like you were meant for something greater?"
Well, that's kind of how I feel...well ok I'm not a repeat offender, at least I don't think so...
Perhaps ultimately that's all I seek and desire, is a change in life or a pathway to what I was destined to be. I am starting Audio Engineering school in October, but is that enough? What if is a dangerous question, but it has crossed my mind and messed up it's wiring. What if I don't find what I'm looking for after my 9 months is over? What then? It's a hard industry to break into. I want to be able to find a team of musicians and get a band together, but I really don't know how to go about that. Mind you one of the new seasonals at work, who works meat department, also plays guitar. So maybe...
Either way, I know I'm young and I will spin my wheels and flounder and nothing will get done, however I'd rather not do this too much. I'm almost 22 years old and I feel I have no major accomplishments in life, aside from spending 2 months in Europe. Even then I feel I didn't make the most out of the trip, as amazing as it was.
I feel as if I've spent too much time as a pissant doing the same thing, but it's a wise occupation to keep while I am in school. I started school doing a history major, switched to sociology, but then right afterwards, switched to Audio Engineering. I love music, so I wanted to be in a field where I could be close to the music industry, even if I'm not the one performing. I'd rather be performing, but there's complications with that too.
Breaking into the recording industry is just as hard as breaking in as an artist. You have to go long periods and shell out dedicated effort while bringing in little income and hope for a decent break. It's a lifestyle, not a job. One I would certainly like to be a part of, however I question whether or not I have what it takes. Am I ready for this? Who is ever ready to do what needs to be done? No one is born ready. You just have to take life by the horns. If you can't dodge it, ram it.
Just as the hero is forced to start his quest to defeat evil, evil is waiting for him, watching him. The hero is weak, but must develop and grow. Without growth he cannot face evil, and he must disccover himself and fight his own inner demons as well. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
While I have no idea what it is I have to do, that's just part of the discovery of life. Unfortunately my uncertainty has a habit of pissing people off, which really doesn't help me in the slightest and keeps making me feel I'm doing it wrong. A friend of mine was talking to me last night, and he is telling me that failure and success are relative designations. Success is short lived in the greater acquisition of power, the more you grow the more that you will fail and succeed. It's wonderful to be able to do something, but eventually you want to do it better. Every success renders the former success as a greater failure. I simply have a habit of punishing myself for failure, which adds to the anxiety and simply hurts me, nothing gets done. Rather than punishing myself, I need to look upon failure as learning and don't punish myself, but encourage. It's a tough habit to break, but keeping your eyes open and being extremely sensitive at all times is a healthy habit. In the end, failure becomes more important than success, because it's the other side to the coin. It's progress, and failure and success are like bitter rivals that are also lovers. Balance, trying to be better than the other, but cannot live without each other.
I need to be harder on myself, but in the right ways, enouraging myself to learn, not punishing myself for failing. It's a tough habit to break, considering I feel I've always been punished for failing. The world expects you to succeed the first time. But that's partly due to the society of instant gratification... And a whole other debate.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Star Wars, Feminism, The National Policy, Girls, Music, and other things discussed on drinking nights
http://www.xkcd.com/439/
In short, that's me when I try and talk to girls, which came up in conversation.
But does the title not say it all? No joke I maxxed out the cap for characters in the title. But that's cause when I get together with some close friends of mine, one of which I've known since high school, many universe changing things take effect. The last time somethign this epic took place, well, sorry Japan... I really mean it... So sorry...
Picture a crazy rock/metal musician with an opinion about everything (me), a skinny pastey controversial guy with an ego the size of mount Doom (not a bad thing if you know him!), a quiet but oddly opinionated thoughtful aspiring chef with a unique sense of timing, and a girl who doesn't know us too well but is somehow entertained. Does hilarity not ensue? That /almost/ could be a sitcom, but it's really hard describing my friends because they're so much more than that.
Basically however, myself and my freind Adam (the skinny guy) were somehow able to get Leanne (the girl) interested in history and sociology because we simply went on tyrades and tangents about the state of the world and why it is the way it is. It started off harmless enough with talking about, actually fuck if I remember what we were talking about to start, but it evolved into: The problems with Canada can all be blamed on Brian Mulroney cancelling the National Policy and signing the first Canada-US free trade agreement; the social issues of why women will hide behind the term of feminism simply because they want to hate men and not be equals in society, then demand they be treated with noble intentions and lavished with gifts; why a lot of music nowadays absolutely fucking sucks becase of auto-tune and over-engineering, jon-bon jovi ruining music, madonna helping, michael jackson putting the final bullet into it and britney spears making sure that horse stays dead; why I overthink shit and have a hard time reading women and dating in general; and why beer is awesome.
I have a tendancy, by myself, to go on long tyrades and rants about things that I have opinions on and am very passionate about. I care about the world, and I hate seeing it go to shit simply because some people want to benefit due to their feeling entitled to their profits, justifying it with working hard; hard at stepping on others and stealing from them and bleeding the world dry. Makes PERFECT sense to me. Wall street bailout? 700 billion, yet we won't take 3 billion to feed people in Africa or Asia and empower them to be self sfficient in smaller communities. I'll stop now...
But when you get me and Adam together, the world shakes and starts to pound with shattering smouldering intensity it may as well summon the four horsemen of the apocolypse. Rants and passionate tangents intensify, and, yeah, we've fucking scared people at malls and in cars next to us. I kid you not. Yes our live show is better, plus it's really hard to blog about.
However, our opinion on the state of girls in the dating world reflects this vlog by Jenna: Seriosuly this girl is fucking awesome! I want to meet her, shake her hand, take her to coffee, debate and rant, okay fuck it. You get the idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ7wT4CUprQ
Eventually, as always happens with us, we decide to fuck the real world and talk about nothing other than Star Wars. Which, is oddly reflective of our real world and you have to admit it, but it's simply because we're uber nerds and well, we want to feel like we've accomplished something.
Let's face it, we don't like looking inside ourselves, because we see that little girl with the wet black hair huddled in a corner crying while wearing a straight-jacket, saying "maybe nothing really matters..." That's why I drink and play videogames. Works for me.
If it wasn't 2:30 AM, I'd be playing metal right now...
In short, that's me when I try and talk to girls, which came up in conversation.
But does the title not say it all? No joke I maxxed out the cap for characters in the title. But that's cause when I get together with some close friends of mine, one of which I've known since high school, many universe changing things take effect. The last time somethign this epic took place, well, sorry Japan... I really mean it... So sorry...
Picture a crazy rock/metal musician with an opinion about everything (me), a skinny pastey controversial guy with an ego the size of mount Doom (not a bad thing if you know him!), a quiet but oddly opinionated thoughtful aspiring chef with a unique sense of timing, and a girl who doesn't know us too well but is somehow entertained. Does hilarity not ensue? That /almost/ could be a sitcom, but it's really hard describing my friends because they're so much more than that.
Basically however, myself and my freind Adam (the skinny guy) were somehow able to get Leanne (the girl) interested in history and sociology because we simply went on tyrades and tangents about the state of the world and why it is the way it is. It started off harmless enough with talking about, actually fuck if I remember what we were talking about to start, but it evolved into: The problems with Canada can all be blamed on Brian Mulroney cancelling the National Policy and signing the first Canada-US free trade agreement; the social issues of why women will hide behind the term of feminism simply because they want to hate men and not be equals in society, then demand they be treated with noble intentions and lavished with gifts; why a lot of music nowadays absolutely fucking sucks becase of auto-tune and over-engineering, jon-bon jovi ruining music, madonna helping, michael jackson putting the final bullet into it and britney spears making sure that horse stays dead; why I overthink shit and have a hard time reading women and dating in general; and why beer is awesome.
I have a tendancy, by myself, to go on long tyrades and rants about things that I have opinions on and am very passionate about. I care about the world, and I hate seeing it go to shit simply because some people want to benefit due to their feeling entitled to their profits, justifying it with working hard; hard at stepping on others and stealing from them and bleeding the world dry. Makes PERFECT sense to me. Wall street bailout? 700 billion, yet we won't take 3 billion to feed people in Africa or Asia and empower them to be self sfficient in smaller communities. I'll stop now...
But when you get me and Adam together, the world shakes and starts to pound with shattering smouldering intensity it may as well summon the four horsemen of the apocolypse. Rants and passionate tangents intensify, and, yeah, we've fucking scared people at malls and in cars next to us. I kid you not. Yes our live show is better, plus it's really hard to blog about.
However, our opinion on the state of girls in the dating world reflects this vlog by Jenna: Seriosuly this girl is fucking awesome! I want to meet her, shake her hand, take her to coffee, debate and rant, okay fuck it. You get the idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ7wT4CUprQ
Eventually, as always happens with us, we decide to fuck the real world and talk about nothing other than Star Wars. Which, is oddly reflective of our real world and you have to admit it, but it's simply because we're uber nerds and well, we want to feel like we've accomplished something.
Let's face it, we don't like looking inside ourselves, because we see that little girl with the wet black hair huddled in a corner crying while wearing a straight-jacket, saying "maybe nothing really matters..." That's why I drink and play videogames. Works for me.
If it wasn't 2:30 AM, I'd be playing metal right now...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Turning Point
To follow the same tradition I used for my blogs in livejournal, I'm going to find a webcomic that reflects well what I'm going to be talking about here
Expect a lot of XKCD.
http://www.xkcd.com/220/
So I picked this comic because, well, jsut last night I came into a questioning phase, a phase wherein I suffered an existential crisis. Remember when I talked about what I was going to talk about? I know I know I promised you a little about me, and believe me I'll get to that, but first this. Basically I questioned of myself am I actually living, or jsut simply alive? My friend Adam once proposed to me a question very similar, but in videogame terminology. The question carried on as "Do you feel you are going through life on the main quest and advancing to level 40 before you assault the boss? Or are you jsut putzing around doing a bunch of side quests unrelated to the story and you're still level 3?" He was playing a lot of Oblivion at the time and, my understanding anyways, in Oblivion you don't level up unless you do main story quests. Either way it was a profound question, and honestly I had difficulty answering it. I still do. Yes the point of life is to progress and advance yourself, to exist, and to do what is best for you and further your goals and desires so you achieve what you set out to do, but no matter how driven and goal-oriented one is, it is always wise to slow down and smell the roses. The big end boss of life is one no one has yet to conquer (except maybe Jesus, if you're keen on that faith, hard to say for me really) is Death. It is a natural part of life and the very thing that makes us appreciate it, so why try and arrive at the destination sooner? I find myself I'm more about putzing around at level 3 doing everything I can because, even if it's unrelated to what you want to do, experience is experience and everyone should be a teacher, because we can learn and further from each other.
My crisis was simple, what am I actually doing with my life and myself? I felt dead, and unmotivated. A long talk with a good friend of mine on World of Warcraft quickly set me straight. The real reason I felt dead was simple: I felt as if I needed to be loved by someone in relationship form to feel needed and valued, when in truth I should and do feel that way already. Sure it's always nice to have someone, it is what makes us truly whole, but we don't need to actively seek that one person, things will usually fall into place if you let them happen. I'm onyl 21, and shouldn't be worrying about those things. I have bigger fish to fry, I ahve amain quest to trudge through! Though it brought up another reason why I felt dead. I'm my own person, and I live with my parents. I feel I need my own space, however I currently have little means to do so. School combined with current expenses leaves me drained, and I haven't a viable roomate as of yet. True currently the pros outweigh the cons, but I often feel I'm a disappointment, which of course isn't at all true, though I'm consistently in a state of self scrutiny and critisism in every aspect of my life. I feel it's the only way I improve, which is great for me, being a guitar player, to scrutinize my artistic ability, but for EVERY aspect, it ends up leaving me worried about shit I have no business worry about. That'll just shorten life! I've honestly been better than I was, but last night was, different. I guess I'm jsut trying to find my own little niche in this world and I'd rather not force anyone out of theirs, instead peacefully coexisting. But I'm going to rub elbows, conflict is a part of life. Question therefore becomes how will I handle it? Needless to say I solved my crisis, my solution was simply don't change who I am for anyone, don't compromise the aspects about me that make me who I am. In that I gain confidence, I gain pride, I gain a sense of direction and motivation, and I gain inspiration.
So in short, existential crisis was simple: If What I'm to have learn was what I already knew, did I learn anything? Yes I did, because my purpose was to set out learning something that ended up coming back to what I already knew, I had simply forgotten at the time. The purpose of learning is to learn!
Anyways, as promised, a little about me: If you're asleep or have closed the webpage by now, well I can't say I'm surprised. if you're still reading, you either have insomnia or actually consider this waste of webspace drabble and shit interesting.
I'm 21 years old, been walking this earth for almost 22 winters now.
I have Nordic descent and blood in me, mostly Danish, but also Norwegian. English, Scottish, French, Welsh, Italian, Polish, Swiss, German, and probably a few I'm forgetting. Danish/Norwegian genes won out over everything, so thus, VIKINGS RULE!
Speaking of which, I am the son of Thor. It is acceptable if you just call me Thor.
I play guitar, have been for 7 years now. Yes, Thor weilds an axe. I lost my hammer... somewhere in Asgard. If you find it please call me.
I own three guitars, some say too many, none of them are guitar players. I have a Jay Turser SG, Fender HSS Stratocaster, and a Jackson King V Demmelition.
I play mostly Metal and Rock styles, but I love playing blues too. Always learning.
I'm currently drinking Sleeman Honey Brown Lager.
I'm an avid Vancovuer Canucks fan. That isn't going to change. Don't try and make it Change.
I'm a huge fan of music. GOOD Music. I know Music is a very subjective Genre but really, there is universally bad music out there. I will go on rants about this. My Top 3 genres are Metal, Classic Rock and Blues. Will venture into Modern rock, and depending on the day, the order of those genres change. Do not like Country or Hip Hop, some Pop is tolerable but most often annoying as hell. Some days I wish I owned a shotgun.
I love movies of most sorts, save Horror. Do not like horror. Never could get into it. Overactive imagination.
I rant a lot. You'll find this possibly amusing.
I am currently single. Not sure when that'll change, but it'll change for the right reason.
I tend to write a lot...just incase you didn't notice.
Religion? Curious subject, interesting theology and morality, questionable practices.
I'm currently studying, or rather will be studying, to be an Audio Engineer. Yes, I'm going to record shit. Good shit.
I'm a very open person, I like to joke around and skirt the bounds of what is and isn't appropriate. Usually makes people laugh, but I also say sorry for a lot of things.
I also tend to think too much, incase you didn't notice above...
Above all I am a paladin. What I mean by that is I'm a great shield. I stand up for my friends and would rather take a thousand hits than see any one of my friends take one. I'm a protector and a guardian, teaching others, making sure things are safe, posess righteous anger (hence the ranting...) and I do my best to do what I feel is right. So, don't make me angry or pissed. A pissed off Thor is a Thor you don't want to have to deal with.
I have a superhero Alias: Bra-Man (ok fine, it was kind of stolen from Least I Could Do but hey, I didn't see Rayne Summers at any one of my epic parties!)
I'm also known by: Sploch, Captain Irrelevant, Rothgan (or Rotharia on WoW)
Politically speaking I am small c conservative. That means I see society as a connected web where all levels are equally as important and what happens to one will undoubtedly affect the other. There is no separation, in fact it's a ripple and a wave. So I vote based upon who I feel is best reflective of this philosophy. Symbiotic bonding!
Honestly speaking, I'm a huge geek. Sci-Fi, Comic books, you name it. Not only am I Thor's son, but I'm a Jedi Guardian as well. Along with being a Paladin, I cannot stand for injustice and I admire Truth, Honesty, Understanding and Compassion. I consider Star wars (episodes IV, V, VI) to be among the best movies ever made. Geeks fuckign rule, and we are some of the smartest people you'll ever meet. That's why I think too much and admire little shit that most would ignore. Geeks are awesome, and we fucking rule. I'm among the ruling class, mainly BECAUSE I rule.
If you've read all that...actually I haven't thought of an award for you. Perhaps a hug when I see you next? Man hugs are acceptable. Either way, that's my past two days in a nutshell. If anyone finds this interesting...you either have respect for me, like me, love me, or have nothing better to do. :)
Adios, until next blog.
Expect a lot of XKCD.
http://www.xkcd.com/220/
So I picked this comic because, well, jsut last night I came into a questioning phase, a phase wherein I suffered an existential crisis. Remember when I talked about what I was going to talk about? I know I know I promised you a little about me, and believe me I'll get to that, but first this. Basically I questioned of myself am I actually living, or jsut simply alive? My friend Adam once proposed to me a question very similar, but in videogame terminology. The question carried on as "Do you feel you are going through life on the main quest and advancing to level 40 before you assault the boss? Or are you jsut putzing around doing a bunch of side quests unrelated to the story and you're still level 3?" He was playing a lot of Oblivion at the time and, my understanding anyways, in Oblivion you don't level up unless you do main story quests. Either way it was a profound question, and honestly I had difficulty answering it. I still do. Yes the point of life is to progress and advance yourself, to exist, and to do what is best for you and further your goals and desires so you achieve what you set out to do, but no matter how driven and goal-oriented one is, it is always wise to slow down and smell the roses. The big end boss of life is one no one has yet to conquer (except maybe Jesus, if you're keen on that faith, hard to say for me really) is Death. It is a natural part of life and the very thing that makes us appreciate it, so why try and arrive at the destination sooner? I find myself I'm more about putzing around at level 3 doing everything I can because, even if it's unrelated to what you want to do, experience is experience and everyone should be a teacher, because we can learn and further from each other.
My crisis was simple, what am I actually doing with my life and myself? I felt dead, and unmotivated. A long talk with a good friend of mine on World of Warcraft quickly set me straight. The real reason I felt dead was simple: I felt as if I needed to be loved by someone in relationship form to feel needed and valued, when in truth I should and do feel that way already. Sure it's always nice to have someone, it is what makes us truly whole, but we don't need to actively seek that one person, things will usually fall into place if you let them happen. I'm onyl 21, and shouldn't be worrying about those things. I have bigger fish to fry, I ahve amain quest to trudge through! Though it brought up another reason why I felt dead. I'm my own person, and I live with my parents. I feel I need my own space, however I currently have little means to do so. School combined with current expenses leaves me drained, and I haven't a viable roomate as of yet. True currently the pros outweigh the cons, but I often feel I'm a disappointment, which of course isn't at all true, though I'm consistently in a state of self scrutiny and critisism in every aspect of my life. I feel it's the only way I improve, which is great for me, being a guitar player, to scrutinize my artistic ability, but for EVERY aspect, it ends up leaving me worried about shit I have no business worry about. That'll just shorten life! I've honestly been better than I was, but last night was, different. I guess I'm jsut trying to find my own little niche in this world and I'd rather not force anyone out of theirs, instead peacefully coexisting. But I'm going to rub elbows, conflict is a part of life. Question therefore becomes how will I handle it? Needless to say I solved my crisis, my solution was simply don't change who I am for anyone, don't compromise the aspects about me that make me who I am. In that I gain confidence, I gain pride, I gain a sense of direction and motivation, and I gain inspiration.
So in short, existential crisis was simple: If What I'm to have learn was what I already knew, did I learn anything? Yes I did, because my purpose was to set out learning something that ended up coming back to what I already knew, I had simply forgotten at the time. The purpose of learning is to learn!
Anyways, as promised, a little about me: If you're asleep or have closed the webpage by now, well I can't say I'm surprised. if you're still reading, you either have insomnia or actually consider this waste of webspace drabble and shit interesting.
I'm 21 years old, been walking this earth for almost 22 winters now.
I have Nordic descent and blood in me, mostly Danish, but also Norwegian. English, Scottish, French, Welsh, Italian, Polish, Swiss, German, and probably a few I'm forgetting. Danish/Norwegian genes won out over everything, so thus, VIKINGS RULE!
Speaking of which, I am the son of Thor. It is acceptable if you just call me Thor.
I play guitar, have been for 7 years now. Yes, Thor weilds an axe. I lost my hammer... somewhere in Asgard. If you find it please call me.
I own three guitars, some say too many, none of them are guitar players. I have a Jay Turser SG, Fender HSS Stratocaster, and a Jackson King V Demmelition.
I play mostly Metal and Rock styles, but I love playing blues too. Always learning.
I'm currently drinking Sleeman Honey Brown Lager.
I'm an avid Vancovuer Canucks fan. That isn't going to change. Don't try and make it Change.
I'm a huge fan of music. GOOD Music. I know Music is a very subjective Genre but really, there is universally bad music out there. I will go on rants about this. My Top 3 genres are Metal, Classic Rock and Blues. Will venture into Modern rock, and depending on the day, the order of those genres change. Do not like Country or Hip Hop, some Pop is tolerable but most often annoying as hell. Some days I wish I owned a shotgun.
I love movies of most sorts, save Horror. Do not like horror. Never could get into it. Overactive imagination.
I rant a lot. You'll find this possibly amusing.
I am currently single. Not sure when that'll change, but it'll change for the right reason.
I tend to write a lot...just incase you didn't notice.
Religion? Curious subject, interesting theology and morality, questionable practices.
I'm currently studying, or rather will be studying, to be an Audio Engineer. Yes, I'm going to record shit. Good shit.
I'm a very open person, I like to joke around and skirt the bounds of what is and isn't appropriate. Usually makes people laugh, but I also say sorry for a lot of things.
I also tend to think too much, incase you didn't notice above...
Above all I am a paladin. What I mean by that is I'm a great shield. I stand up for my friends and would rather take a thousand hits than see any one of my friends take one. I'm a protector and a guardian, teaching others, making sure things are safe, posess righteous anger (hence the ranting...) and I do my best to do what I feel is right. So, don't make me angry or pissed. A pissed off Thor is a Thor you don't want to have to deal with.
I have a superhero Alias: Bra-Man (ok fine, it was kind of stolen from Least I Could Do but hey, I didn't see Rayne Summers at any one of my epic parties!)
I'm also known by: Sploch, Captain Irrelevant, Rothgan (or Rotharia on WoW)
Politically speaking I am small c conservative. That means I see society as a connected web where all levels are equally as important and what happens to one will undoubtedly affect the other. There is no separation, in fact it's a ripple and a wave. So I vote based upon who I feel is best reflective of this philosophy. Symbiotic bonding!
Honestly speaking, I'm a huge geek. Sci-Fi, Comic books, you name it. Not only am I Thor's son, but I'm a Jedi Guardian as well. Along with being a Paladin, I cannot stand for injustice and I admire Truth, Honesty, Understanding and Compassion. I consider Star wars (episodes IV, V, VI) to be among the best movies ever made. Geeks fuckign rule, and we are some of the smartest people you'll ever meet. That's why I think too much and admire little shit that most would ignore. Geeks are awesome, and we fucking rule. I'm among the ruling class, mainly BECAUSE I rule.
If you've read all that...actually I haven't thought of an award for you. Perhaps a hug when I see you next? Man hugs are acceptable. Either way, that's my past two days in a nutshell. If anyone finds this interesting...you either have respect for me, like me, love me, or have nothing better to do. :)
Adios, until next blog.
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